Cut off, and nowhere to hide
by eiry.d
Summary: A re-write of a fic that I wrote two years ago, in Zell's would-be final hours, he recounts what has driven him to his suicide. Originally written under the name 'feenie'. PG-13 for violence and bad language. R&R please!


disclaimer – no characters from FFVIII belong to me, only the plot is mine  
  
Cut Off And Nowhere To Hide  
  
By  
  
Eiry  
  
The blonde sat on the broken ledge of the Quad, looking down at the raging water below him. All words, and energy were lost to him, and inwardly he sank deeper, and deeper. It fed his depression. The monster within smiled. He'd always tried to cover it up, he'd laugh, joke, smile. Always the life and energy of Garden. But no one knew who Zell Dinght really was, no one ever could.  
  
It was at times like this, that Zell spiralled down deeper and further than ever before. He would feel as if he'd reached the bottom of the pit, but the floor would only crack and crumble again until the light so distant would be but a memory.  
  
He wouldn't jump, fact was that he was too scared; and he wanted to leave something for them to find. If they even cared, that was doubtful. The boy couldn't help thinking that Seifer was right. All he was, was a loud- mouthed chicken wuss. So instead, he pulled a small knife out of his coat pocket. Gleaming salvation.  
  
His heart began to thump louder and harder in his chest. He could feel the blood swirling and filling his veins. He could hear it screaming inside of him. He pressed the edge of the blade against his wrist, and watched as the unwanted tears mixed with the blood. He stopped as the heavens tore open above him, to offer their heart wrenching wails to the blonde. He was lost. The angels poured out their hearts to him. Still he tore at the skin.  
  
He shivered with cold as the water washed over him. It soaked through his clothes, and dripped across his skin, his hair was matted down against his head, no longer spiked up. All in all, he looked very depleted, and sad. Determined though, he would take his own life tonight. Then, perhaps they'd notice him. Then maybe someone would at least pretend that they cared. They'd miss the annoying blonde; he'd make them cry. While he would cry... no longer.  
  
"Hey, Chicken Wuss!" "Leave me alone Seifer..."  
  
The taller boy strode after his easy prey, and slung his arm over its frightened shoulder.  
  
"Seifer get off me." It growled in annoyance. The arm was shrugged off, and Zell carried on walking, digging his hands deep inside his jeans pockets.  
"Oh Zell, don't you want to be friends with me?" He sighed in mock hurt.  
  
The small one looked up at his tormentor, scowled, and carried on walking to his dorm. Seifer was always so sarcastic, and so damned patronising towards Zell. He knew that he was being followed; Seifer made sure that was obvious. But what could Zell do?  
  
When he arrived at the door, he opened it and stepped inside. Seifer stood outside, and quickly shoved him inside onto the floor. He shut the door, and looked down on Zell, who sat there nursing the arm that he'd landed on. Seifer strolled towards the other boy, in a very suspicious way.  
  
"Never. Ignore me Chicken." A fist came slamming down to Zell's face, sending him reeling backwards to hit the bed. His vision already blurred from the blow, more punches rained down on him. Each sending a new wave of pain through his body like electricity. Sparks flashed through his eyes; he bought his hands up to shield his face from the blows until he collapsed again to the floor.  
  
For a moment, it stopped. Zell gained enough courage to look up at his attacker through blood shot eyes. But then, it started. He felt each kick and punch to his stomach and legs. Crimson seeped from wounds, and finally, Zell cried out in pain. Satisfied, Seifer stopped.  
  
Seifer ran his fingers through the back of Zell's silky blonde hair. He grabbed, and pulled the small boy upwards. The blood of a predator ran through his veins. He liked it. Hoping to avoid large chunks of his hair being ripped out, Zell struggled to his feet trying to ignore the feeling when his bruised muscles pulled inside of him, and the nausea.  
  
"Aww, poor little chicken wuss." He pouted, and then laughed. Fixing the trademark smirk to his face. With laboured breaths, in a hoarse voice, Zell struggled out.  
"Fuck you Seifer." His expression changed from one of mockery, to one of rage. He kneed Zell between the legs, then kicked again until tears ran down the young boy's face. Zell felt himself being shoved to the floor, one last kick was given. The bloody mess was left curled up on the carpet while Seifer searched the room.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing?" Zell whispered in the same, forced voice. "Looking for something sharp." He sneered.  
  
"He's going to kill me..." Zell muttered to himself. "Fuck... he's going to kill me." Zell began to openly sob, salty tears stung open wounds, and the more that his body shook, the more it ached.  
  
"Quit crying Chicken..." Seifer's voice came from the bathroom now; Zell could hear him opening drawers without the slightest care. He was afraid now, afraid for his life and what Seifer was going to do to him. Reason left the boy.  
"Ah!"  
  
He went back into the room, and Squatted down next to his victim. He held up the sharpened razor, and scolded the skin next to him.  
"Now, Chicken. That was all too easy for me to find, you shouldn't leave sharp things on units, you could hurt yourself.  
"Like you care." It hat become a chore to speak now, and as he did, he coughed up blood.  
"Now Chicken, if you hurt yourself, what would I do?" "Don't call me that."  
  
Seifer smiled. He dragged his Chicken Wuss up so that he sat, instead of being bedraggled on the floor. He took the blade, and pressed it to the side of Zell's face. He carved down, dangerously close to Zell's eye, and finished by his jaw. He ignored any shrieks of pain that came from the boy, and carved in again. Zell prayed that it would end. Blood spurted from his cheek; he once again collapsed to the floor.  
  
Seifer stood, and pushed the sleeves of his coat back down.  
"You stained my shirt you ass hole!" He cried, and kicked him for a final time in the head. Zell passed out, and Seifer left him. All he could say, all he could think about on his way out was:  
  
"Weakling."  
  
Zell cut his wrist again; it still didn't go all the way through. "That's for you Seifer. Fuck you, I was fucking fourteen years old." He spat. He reached up to his scarred cheek, the silvery line covered up by the flowing black tattoo that his Mother hated. As beautiful and exotic it was, it was only a reminder of how much Seifer hated him, and how weak and stupid he was. At least now, people couldn't tell that it was there. From further away at least.  
  
The wound stung, it was red raw. Blood seeped from it. He felt weak; sickened that he was reduced to this. To this state. But he felt pressured, he couldn't stand another day of this, the troubles were a heavy burden on his soul, there was so much trauma. He didn't want to wake up to another day of living hell, and since the GFs were gone, memories from a childhood best forgotten were re-awakened.  
  
He missed the company of the creature inside his head. The water snake Leviathan and the link between them were incredible, and so strong. The dragon could talk to him, and show him the things that he needed. They would converse; a link like this was not common. But now he was alone, and he had his accursed memories.  
  
"Get here now." The man growled. The little blonde boy scampered under his bed, and crawled through a hidden hole in the crumbling plaster wall. He peeked out, just an eye in the wall, blinking back the dust that stung. His eyes watered, and he continued to stare at the man that he was so terrified of.  
  
"Out! NOW!" The man screamed. Zell cowered backwards, as far as he could go. The walls shook, and more dust came loose as a fist banged against them. The boy coughed and stuttered.  
  
Deciding that he could take no more, he got out of the crawl space and tried to run out of the room and past his Father. The drunk saw him, and tripped him. He cried out as he hit the floor and lay sprawled on the floor, trying desperately to scrabble up onto his feet. But the man that towered above pulled his collar, and raised his son's feet off the floor.  
  
The man's breath was sour on the boy's face, and Zell tried so hard, but in vein to struggle out of his grasp.  
  
He was again, drunk. When Zell had woken up from a nap, and made a noise. His Father had gotten mad at him for no reason.  
  
Zell Squealed, the man dropped him to the floor again in anger, and kicked him hard in the stomach.  
"Get up, ya weakling." Kick. "Now!" Kick. "And stop crying!" Black.  
  
That man had killed Zell's birth mother that night. He'd died when Zell was two years old. The man had drunk himself to death. Choked on his own disgusting vomit, that's when Zell had finally been taken to the orphanage. Untold and countless beatings had followed that night at his house in Galbadia.  
  
He stared back down at the waves. Usually, the water would comfort him. But everything was so uncertain down there.  
  
The blonde again hacked into the raw flesh at his wrist. The blade still hadn't penetrated far enough through to the vein.  
"And that's for you dad. I hope you burn in hell."  
  
Again, his vision was drawn to the waves. They beat themselves so violently against the side of his home. He half expected them to break, but they kept on, and on, and on. The rain had turned into a storm. The water beat down harder now, and his thoughts were interrupted by thunder, and lightning.  
  
The SeeD heard splashing footsteps behind him. He turned around, just as a bolt of lightning crashed down, to illuminate his haggard features. He glared at the boy who dared disturb his depression, and anger. The cadet faltered as he saw Zell, blade in hand.  
  
"Get outta here!" The blonde yelled, as yet more fire roared down from the sky. The cadet grew more frightened. He stepped backwards, and finally built up enough courage to run as fast as he could. Out of the rain, and into the corridor.  
"....Damn."  
  
"Tani?" "Hi Zell." The brunette smiled as she saw her young friend walk into the canteen. He sat down next to her, bearing his pearly-white fangs in a huge grin.  
"Whatcha been up to then?" She asked, ruffling his hair. He scrunched up his freckled nose in annoyance, but answered happily all the same.  
"Nothing much... um, I started magic classes this morning though."  
  
She grinned, sparkly eyed.  
"Yeah? You doing good? "Um... sort of." He answered this question uncertainly. "But... instructor Milé is a bit strict...."  
"Oh... you got Milé huh..." She seemed a little disheartened. "Yeah, I had her in my fifth year too. Don't you dare let her put you off okay? She's just a mean old..." She trailed off, obviously not wanting to taint the young boy's ears with the language she used around her friends that were in her year.  
  
Zell nodded. Tani was three years older than him, and now fifteen. Zell had enrolled into Garden when he was seven, but the younger cadets weren't allowed to start battle training until now.  
  
"What about you?" He asked, bright eyed then. A perfectly normal, innocent and healthy child. He was bright for his age, and doing extremely well in his studies. So he found it easier to get along with the older kids. They usually thought that he was 'cute'. He was a lot quieter then, less rowdy. More noticeable.  
  
"Oh, the usual." Tani replied. "Been busy with class and stuff, I've got my exam soon!" She smiled, and stirred her milkshake with the straw.  
"Hey... um, you want one of these?" The boy considered it, but shook his head. "You sure? Um, 'cause I gotta go soon now... so you can finish this off if you like."  
  
This time, he nodded.  
"Thanks Tani." The older girl smiled, and left the table. Zell reached forward to the glass on the table. He was happy, and perfectly content. He had friends who cared, he was fine, he had no real reason to be anybody's enemy.  
  
"Tani..." He sobbed into his hands, remembering the girl whom he'd been best friends with. Until someone had spoiled their happiness, until someone had ruined Zell's life. Until...  
  
Zell ran into the training centre, he pushed through the crowd of people and into the centre of the living ring. Strong hands grabbed him, scraped the skin, and held him back. To prevent him from launching himself into the centre of a full-fledged fight. He struggled for a while, a few minutes maybe. But then, he stopped dead, and watched in fear.  
  
Tani stood in front of him, wielding her gunblade. She kept on her toes, and faced the boy opposite; he carried a huge, sharp and glittering sword. The two circled each other, as if preparing to dance. They both looked for the perfect moment to strike, neither for the moment considering defence.  
  
Zell began to struggle against the cadet again. "Lemme go!" He screeched. His cries were lost to the crowd. "Geez kid..." He stopped his squirming again, and looked wide-eyed as blades began to clash. This was no sparring match, bloodlust echoed in each opponent's eyes.  
  
The competitor's adrenaline ran high in their veins. The crowd screamed and chanted for them to go on with the fight. Each blow, and duck or dive achieving looks of admiration.  
  
The boy in the ring, Zell recognised as James Redford. Tani would talk a lot about him, always saying how mad he made her. Relaying stories of encounters and victories, wars and defeats. Zell, would always listen intently. He always was eager to know what was going on in Tami's life. To him, she held the moon. Now he wished that he would hear no more, could not wait to see the back of him. No more tormenting his loving sister, his angel, and his friend.  
  
Someone moved in front of him, and blocked his vision of the fight. Even the people in front of him jumped and stood on their tiptoes to get a clear sight. The entire crowd let out a pitying moan. Someone was on the floor, this could be it. When Zell could see clearly, it wasn't what he thought it would be.  
  
Tani, stood above James, she held the blade up high. Her brown hair, usually tied up now hung about her face. Drenched with sweat and dirt. Her breathing was rapid, erratic. She glared down at the boy with a glint in her eye that Zell had never seen before. It wasn't normal, it wasn't right. He stood still, oblivious to the cries of the crowd. The only two people that mattered then were him, and Tani.  
  
Redford's blade lay on the floor, out of reach. He was unarmed.  
  
"Tani?" It was only a whimper that came from his mouth, he was so unsure, and he'd spoken so quietly. But somehow, the sound carried above the jeers and cries of the awaiting crowd. Tani was normal again, and she turned her head to face the little blonde boy. Fear in her eyes, fear for her soul, and what she was about to have done.  
  
She didn't have time to think, because in that moment that she had stopped and looked at her friend; steel raced through her, the blade of the sword stuck awkwardly out of her back. The crowd was silent. The sword was drawn back, and with a gasp, the blood flowed through the open wound, and the young girl dropped to her knees.  
  
"TANI!!!" He gained the courage to move, and wrenched himself free from the iron grip. Most of the crowd, the girls screaming ran away. A few stayed to watch Tani's life slip from her hands. It collapsed in on itself; James launched himself off the ground, and strode off, taking a few followers with him.  
  
"Hey, thanks Zell..." She began to choke, but she kept smiling at the little boy that knelt by him as she shivered with the cold of death.  
"Tani... I'm the reason that you're like this." She shook her head. "You stopped me from killing him. At least... now I'm innocent." Zell simply stared into her eyes, bewildered; he didn't know what to do, as his best friend lay by his side, dying. She held her hand to her stomach, interrupting the blood flow. Zell's uniform was stained with her blood. She closed her eyes. She stopped breathing.  
  
Zell slashed out at his wrist again.  
"That's for you too Redford..." Again. "That's for me, for stopping her from killing you." Blood began to gush and spit from his wrist, he'd cut an artery. It was coming. Once again, his uniform was covered in blood. This time, it was his own.  
  
The Garden rocked in the storm, and the boy nearly fell off the side. His blade flew from his grasp, and tumbled carelessly into the sea.  
"Shit!" He yelled.  
  
He heard more footsteps behind him, heavy boots splashing, running in the puddles.  
"I thought I told you to get lost!" Still, they came. Walking now, steadily towards him.  
"Fucking cadets..." He muttered, and held his hand over his wrist to stop the blood, if only for a minute. He turned around.  
  
"Oh...it's you. Come to watch?" "No chi... Zell. I want you to stop."  
  
Zell looked at the man before him. He didn't care that the rain fell about him. He stood tall and proud. Yet, with a distinct look of pity on his face. To Zell's disgust, about a month ago, Seifer was readmitted into Garden after he'd been found innocent of all his crimes. The two hadn't spoken since.  
  
"Why's that then? I thought you'd be glad..." He touched the scar on his cheek, in was weird to hear Seifer speak Zell's name. Always it was 'chicken' and 'cry baby'. But never Zell. Never Zell.  
"Answer me!" He screamed. Seifer laughed a little, not a malicious laugh. He sat down beside the outraged boy.  
"Because... because..."  
  
"Because what??!" "Because I feel sorry for you, okay Chicken Wuss?"  
"I don't need your pity."  
  
They sat in silence for a while, just listening to the pattering rain against the marble floor. It beat down relentlessly, Seifer was surprisingly calm and quiet. Somber even. He didn't do anything for Zell, no cures, no potions. He just let him bleed. Just sat. Zell was more than a little confused, all his emotions running high. Seifer coming here didn't help.  
  
"No, Squall!" The blonde looked at the scene below. Irvine, Rinoa and Squall had fought Seifer together. Then, the sorceress. Everything had been fine, until the very end of the battle. She'd formed an ice spear out of thin air. With her hand, she took the three fighters by surprise. It had shot from her hand, and embedded into Squall's shoulder.  
  
The brunette stumbled backwards, and fell from the bridge. Rinoa ran towards him as he fell. She screamed his name. Seifer laughed, and the Sorceress... she simply stood still. Now, the Galbadian army stormed the little cage, and captured both Irvine and Rinoa.  
  
From the little room above it all, the other party stood. Quistis, Selphie, and Zell. Quistis sank to her knees. Selphie sat down beside her, to comfort her and Zell, he just stared out of the tiny window straight into the eyes of the knight, who cackled and directed some guards up to the room.  
  
"Take them." He said. "But.. bring the boy to me."  
  
"They're coming..." Zell whispered. "Get ready." The women stood up, Quistis dried her eyes and waited. Whip in hand. Ten soldiers flooded the room. With their number they took out the two girls easily, they went a little harder on Zell, though. The man managed to punch and kick is way through a couple. But he was soon beaten to the floor.  
  
Covered in cuts and bruises, he was dragged kicking and struggling down the steps. It took about five men to hold him successfully. They led him to Seifer, and took the girls somewhere out of sight. Only two soldiers held him now, Zell was tired, and he knew better than to struggle with Seifer around.  
  
"Well well Chicken Wuss. What have we here? Causing more trouble?" He kicked Zell hard in the jaw, sending him reeling backwards onto the concrete.  
"Leave us." Seifer commanded. They did, and the crowd slowly dissipated. Seifer kicked Zell to the corner of the make-shift arena, where the barred gate had not been let up. He grabbed the boy's neck and pushed him upwards.  
  
He struggled to breathe against Seifer's grip. At last, he was dropped to the floor.  
  
"Just a little reminder of who's boss Chicken Wuss." The man on the floor rubbed his neck, and looked up once again at the other. Always on the ground. Always looking up.  
  
"I'm tired of looking up to you!!" He screamed. "What?" Zell looked away. He'd surprised himself with the outburst. He felt dizzy, and sick. The loss of blood already taking it's toll. His breathing had slowed, it was so... fuzzy. He collapsed sideways dangerously close to the edge.  
  
"No you don't.." Seifer said, grabbing Zell's shirt and pulling him upwards. The smaller blonde fell against him, and didn't have the strength to move. Seifer didn't move him either. He put his arm around him, he could feel the cold from Zell. He could feel it. Zell said nothing. He was going to die anyway, it may as well have been like this.  
  
"What are you doing boy?" The voice... it was so familiar. He couldn't quite place it, something comforting. Yet, all forgotten.  
"Unfinished business Matron." Seifer sneered. Matron? How did Seifer know her anyway...? He opened his eyes, and found that it was the sorceress Seifer was speaking to. That must be why she'd sounded familiar. Zell's ears were a little muzzy.  
  
The woman was beautiful. Raven black hair was twisted up on top of her head in curls and plaits. She had fine, and girlish features. Sorceresses didn't age, she was certainly pretty. An unpleasant aura surrounded her though, no matter how homely and comforting her expression.  
  
Zell was a mess, the sorceress knelt down in front of him. A look of disgust on her face, a distant, warming recognition burned in her eye for a second. Too quick to notice though, as it soon disappeared.  
  
"I have an idea." Seifer raised an eyebrow, seemingly wanting to carry on with his torture on his own. But he decided it better to remain silent. She leant forwards to cup his face in her silk-gloved hands. The kindly look came back onto her face, she stroked his hair, all while looking directly into his eyes.  
  
"Don't worry Zell." She crooned. "Matron's here." Her eyes softened, and she began to toy with his mind. Painful flashes of his childhood came to him. Seifer teasing him, his parents, the day that he was taken from the orphanage, when he joined Garden, that time that he failed his exams... It was confusing to say the least, half of this stuff. It hadn't happened, right? How could it have?  
  
Zell saw his Mother standing before him.  
"Ma..? "Her face was cross. Her arms folded across her chest. "You've disappointed me Zell." The voice echoed in his head. "Don't come back home, you hear me Zell? Don't come back."  
  
A painful tear streaked down his face, he curled up as tight as he could. He backed up even more into the corner. It couldn't be real. It couldn't be... Tani's voice came into his head. He tried so hard to shut it out. Not her, not her, not her.  
  
"I hate you Zell." She spat. "You killed me. I hate you." "No!" He clamped his hands to his ears. But the voice was inside. He tore at the blonde hair, his head was filled with cruel laughter and unwanted memories.  
  
"Why Seifer?" "Why what?"  
"Why me? Why'd you have to pick on me? Couldn't you have ruined somebody else's life? Why!?" Seifer stared at Zell, the little boy had started to shake. Tears visibly shed from his eyes, the rain had stopped and there was nothing to hide them.  
"I...I..." Seifer was lost for words, and more than a little uncomfortable. This was a new feeling.  
  
"You made my life hell since I was at that orphanage Seifer... and ever since I started classes with you, you've teased and tormented me! God knows what else you've done to me that I can't remember... but I'm fucked up now because of you. Look at me!" He thrust out his wrist out, the blood spilling over Seifer's soft, pale skin.  
  
"You did this to me." He smeared the blood from his wrist onto the scar that laced his cheek.  
  
Zell found some strength in his rage, and the fatigue left him. He pushed Seifer to the ground, both of them began to struggle to stand. Now Zell ran towards Seifer, the roles were reversed. The prey would get it's revenge.  
  
Now, Zell was the predator. The look of terror in the hated man's eyes made him run all the more faster. Seifer ran backwards, splashing in the water than lined the quad. He hit a wall. Zell had trapped him, and Seifer looked behind him into the flowing river of the fountain that came from the main hall.  
  
"I hate you Seifer! You hear me?! I hate you!!!" Zell slammed Ergheiz into Seifer's jaw. The sickening crunch just made the little blonde more mad. He forced Seifer backwards and over the wall, until he could feel the water rushing against the back of his neck. He struggled, a new experience. Being scared for his life at the hands of his prey.  
  
He was turned around and ducked under by the blonde, and water filled his nostrils. Seifer began to struggle again, if he wasn't let up soon he was going to drown. He was terrified. He managed to pull his face out of the water if only for a second to splutter some air, and be pushed back in.  
  
Bored of this, he was pulled out again; and pinned to the floor. Fist raised, Zell prepared again to punch. But he looked into Seifer's eyes and punched to floor to the side of him instead. He collapsed on top of his tormentor, out of energy, but his senses returning to him. He passed out, his head laid on Seifer's chest.  
  
The predator held his prey's wrist, and cast cure. Seifer let himself relax onto the cold marble floor, not bothering to move Zell.  
"I'm sorry Zell." He whispered. "I am so sorry..."  
  
A/N So that's it again ( I like this a lot better than the other version, but what do you think of it now it's been revised? Did you prefer the other if you read it? 


End file.
